Can we talk?

     I'm a big 290 pound guy.  Who new three simple words could strike fear in my heart to the point I can barely function?  "Can we talk?"  That's all it took.  In my addiction I hurt my wife emotionally and psychologically in the worst ways possible.  I am already living out of the house.  I don't have a place of my own yet and my life is filled with uncertainty.  Egg shells crunch under my feet anytime I go back to the house to talk to my wife.  Today she asked to come by my work and speak to me.  I work as a security officer and in the past she has come up to take walks with me but I can't get into anything emotionally heavy.  Anxiety is another problem I wrestle with.  Talking about something when I will not have any hope of talking it through and trying to resolve it will just drive me crazy.  In treatment they always told us to practice "sitting in" those feelings.  I am sure that there is a good reason for that practice but today I just don't have the strength to do that. 
     Step one speaks about powerlessness.  I really struggle with this.  Logically I know that I have no power over whether my wife decides to stay with me or leave me.  Logically I have come to accept that.  Emotionally all I want is for my wife to stay with me and see through my character defects and love me.  Emotionally I can't accept my powerlessness.  My addict thinking would drive me back to lying, deceiving and manipulating to get what I want but I don't want to go back to that way of living because that isn't living.  The sad truth is I don't need to use to be in active addiction, I just need to think or live like an addict and there I am , right back in that place that I don't want be in. 
     This disease will either kill us or make us wish we were dead, if we let it.  It is so easy for me to look at what I don't have and be miserable.  Why does that happen?  Why don't I think of the love and acceptance that I got from my home group last night when I shared?  Why don't I think of the hugs and encouragement I got when I picked up my 60 day tag (They were out of 60 day tags.  It's cool, I can wait.)?  I have a list of names and phone numbers of people I don't even know who are willing to talk to me anytime of the day or night to help keep me clean.  I never had that.  People who have been in my life for years haven't offered that kind of support. 
     If you are reading this and you are struggling with addiction, please get yourself to a meeting.  These programs work.  Recovery is not an easy process and you will only get out of it what you put into it, but it is worth it.  You are worth it and we all deserve to live much better and healthier lives.
Thanks for reading and for being here for my recovery,
                                                                                         ScottinRecovery