One of the scariest things for addicts to face is the costs of our addictions. I'm not speaking of the cost of our drug of choice, legal fees, or treatment costs. What I am speaking of is what things in our lives our addictions cost us. Even having been an addict in the past I had no idea that the problem I was going through was an addition. When you are an addict, the addiction owns you. It will only allow you to see what it wants you to. You will start believing things that are not true, we call such things sincere delusions. Only now in recovery can I begin to see the real costs of my addiction.
With two days until Thanksgiving the major cost of losing my family is very clear. As a result of my actions in active addiction, my wife and I are in the beginning of a therapeutic separation. For the next 12 months we have to see if we can save our marriage. I have no family other than her relatives and I have lost them due to my behavior. Step One speaks about powerlessness and unmanageability, this is a good example. Even though I knew what could happen if I ever got found out, I did it anyway. Now I have to embrace the powerlessness of my situation. There is nothing I can say or do to make people think of me as the upstanding man I used to be. They will see me as they choose to see me. All I can do is work my program and do the next right thing. I also need to be on the lookout for the first thought wrong, as that almost always leads nowhere good.
I am living out of a cheap hotel and greatly miss the house I own. I could have told my wife that I would not leave the house but it was my behavior, not hers, that strained the marriage. I don't have any of the comforts of home. I don't have a kitchen in which to prepare meals, a comfortable place to relax and watch tv, or my pets to keep me company. Most of all, I miss my wife. She didn't ask to be put through any of this. She didn't ask to develop PTSD as a result of my addiction being discovered. She didn't ask for the man who promised to protect her always and forsake all others to lie to her for years. What was the cost of my addiction on her? I could listen to her speak about the impact of my actions from here until the end of time and I wouldn't have a full understanding of what this disease has put her through.
So what have I gotten in exchange for paying such a high cost? I have gotten clarity. I have such a better understanding of myself and how my actions impact others. I have a profound sense of gratitude for the people I come across in my everyday life. I have an appreciation for things I used to not notice. Am I ok with what these precious things have cost me? Absolutely not! I still want my old life back. Not my life of active addiction but rather the life I lived back when I met my wife and during the first several years of our marriage. The life when I lived with a sense of integrity. The good life I always deserved and finally got, only to screw it up.
November 26 2013
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