I'm a big 290 pound guy. Who new three simple words could strike fear in my heart to the point I can barely function? "Can we talk?" That's all it took. In my addiction I hurt my wife emotionally and psychologically in the worst ways possible. I am already living out of the house. I don't have a place of my own yet and my life is filled with uncertainty. Egg shells crunch under my feet anytime I go back to the house to talk to my wife. Today she asked to come by my work and speak to me. I work as a security officer and in the past she has come up to take walks with me but I can't get into anything emotionally heavy. Anxiety is another problem I wrestle with. Talking about something when I will not have any hope of talking it through and trying to resolve it will just drive me crazy. In treatment they always told us to practice "sitting in" those feelings. I am sure that there is a good reason for that practice but today I just don't have the strength to do that.
Step one speaks about powerlessness. I really struggle with this. Logically I know that I have no power over whether my wife decides to stay with me or leave me. Logically I have come to accept that. Emotionally all I want is for my wife to stay with me and see through my character defects and love me. Emotionally I can't accept my powerlessness. My addict thinking would drive me back to lying, deceiving and manipulating to get what I want but I don't want to go back to that way of living because that isn't living. The sad truth is I don't need to use to be in active addiction, I just need to think or live like an addict and there I am , right back in that place that I don't want be in.
This disease will either kill us or make us wish we were dead, if we let it. It is so easy for me to look at what I don't have and be miserable. Why does that happen? Why don't I think of the love and acceptance that I got from my home group last night when I shared? Why don't I think of the hugs and encouragement I got when I picked up my 60 day tag (They were out of 60 day tags. It's cool, I can wait.)? I have a list of names and phone numbers of people I don't even know who are willing to talk to me anytime of the day or night to help keep me clean. I never had that. People who have been in my life for years haven't offered that kind of support.
If you are reading this and you are struggling with addiction, please get yourself to a meeting. These programs work. Recovery is not an easy process and you will only get out of it what you put into it, but it is worth it. You are worth it and we all deserve to live much better and healthier lives.
Thanks for reading and for being here for my recovery,
ScottinRecovery
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Life in the real world
Those of you new in recovery will often hear references made to people being on the "pink cloud." That term is used to describe that period where you are in treatment long enough to feel really good about your recovery but you have yet to have to deal with the stressors of daily life. For patients who are in a residential treatment facility the pink cloud can give you a dangerous false sense of progress in your recovery.
When you leave treatment and go into the real world you have to face everything and do it in a way that you aren't accustomed to. In recovery you have to abstain from the substances and behaviors of your addiction so you can't use them as the unhealthy coping mechanisms that your are used to falling back on. So how do we go about handling the challenges of daily life in the outside world? The answer is deceptively simple. We need to incorporate the regular practices that we learned while in residential or intensive out-patient treatment. This requires time management and self-discipline which as addicts we typically are not great with. We have to realize however that our old ways of doing things brought us to the breaking point. We became powerless over our addictions and our lives had become unmanageable. Returning to our old patterns will take us right back to the edge of the cliff and if we are not capable we could easily allow ourselves to be pushed back into the abyss of active addiction.
A schedule can be our best friend, in fact it can save our lives. I have found that putting my schedule in my phone allows me to have time for everything I need to do and luckily there isn't much time left in which I could relapse. Meditation, step work, prayer, exercise, meetings, therapy and even sleep are all scheduled. When the time rolls around for me to do any of the above listed things, I simply do them. Even if I don't feel like it, my schedule is the script by which I can stay sober and I do whatever the activity scheduled for that time is. People often ask me "What if you don't feel tired when it says it is time to sleep?" I have always found if I lay in bed with the lights off, I will often fall asleep faster than I thought. Now don't get me wrong. Following a schedule this strictly isn't always fun and at times it certainly doesn't feel easy, but I am still free from all substances and behaviors that plagued my life in active addiction.
Following a schedule is great but it needs one other thing that is essential for addicts in recovery, accountability. I print my schedule out and check off items that I complete. I share this with my sponsor and if I am not sticking to my schedule he does and excellent job of giving me an assignment based in step work to help me start to buckle down and see the importance of getting to everything on my schedule. I'm sharing this because it has been helping me. Please feel free to share what has been working for you by commenting.
Thanks,
ScottinRecovery
When you leave treatment and go into the real world you have to face everything and do it in a way that you aren't accustomed to. In recovery you have to abstain from the substances and behaviors of your addiction so you can't use them as the unhealthy coping mechanisms that your are used to falling back on. So how do we go about handling the challenges of daily life in the outside world? The answer is deceptively simple. We need to incorporate the regular practices that we learned while in residential or intensive out-patient treatment. This requires time management and self-discipline which as addicts we typically are not great with. We have to realize however that our old ways of doing things brought us to the breaking point. We became powerless over our addictions and our lives had become unmanageable. Returning to our old patterns will take us right back to the edge of the cliff and if we are not capable we could easily allow ourselves to be pushed back into the abyss of active addiction.
A schedule can be our best friend, in fact it can save our lives. I have found that putting my schedule in my phone allows me to have time for everything I need to do and luckily there isn't much time left in which I could relapse. Meditation, step work, prayer, exercise, meetings, therapy and even sleep are all scheduled. When the time rolls around for me to do any of the above listed things, I simply do them. Even if I don't feel like it, my schedule is the script by which I can stay sober and I do whatever the activity scheduled for that time is. People often ask me "What if you don't feel tired when it says it is time to sleep?" I have always found if I lay in bed with the lights off, I will often fall asleep faster than I thought. Now don't get me wrong. Following a schedule this strictly isn't always fun and at times it certainly doesn't feel easy, but I am still free from all substances and behaviors that plagued my life in active addiction.
Following a schedule is great but it needs one other thing that is essential for addicts in recovery, accountability. I print my schedule out and check off items that I complete. I share this with my sponsor and if I am not sticking to my schedule he does and excellent job of giving me an assignment based in step work to help me start to buckle down and see the importance of getting to everything on my schedule. I'm sharing this because it has been helping me. Please feel free to share what has been working for you by commenting.
Thanks,
ScottinRecovery
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Addict's Thanksgiving
So I spent Thanksgiving alone in a dive hotel. My turkey came in the form of a hot turkey hoagie from Wawa and I paired that with their mac and cheese and mashed potatoes. No call from my wife. I didn't call her because our arrangement is that she can call me when she wants to and I will give her space to heal. My addiction and her discovery of it has left her traumatized and she is very much going through post traumatic stress disorder.
It would be easy to just write off everything and say that I'm not thankful for anything, but that just isn't true. Below is a list of things I am very thankful for.
I am thankful for my wife getting help to deal with the damage my addiction has caused.
I am thankful for my wife researching my addiction and finding help for me.
I am thankful for the Gratitude Program and the treatment it provides.
I am thankful for the NA, SLAA, SAA, and AA fellowships that I attend.
I am thankful for the peer phone calls that I get from friends still in treatment.
I am thankful for the welcome my dog gives me when he sees me.
I am thankful for the people on Intherooms.com
I am thankful for my employer not firing me when I took all of the time off to get treatment.
I am thankful for the thoughts and prayers that other addicts have had for me.
I am thankful for the staff that have encouraged me to go into the addiction field as a counselor.
I am thankful for god and another day sober.
There is so much more I wish to write tonight. Please feel free to leave me comments about my blog. Even if you are not an addict, your feedback is valuable to me.
Wishing you all love and peace tonight and tomorrow.
ScottinRecovery
It would be easy to just write off everything and say that I'm not thankful for anything, but that just isn't true. Below is a list of things I am very thankful for.
I am thankful for my wife getting help to deal with the damage my addiction has caused.
I am thankful for my wife researching my addiction and finding help for me.
I am thankful for the Gratitude Program and the treatment it provides.
I am thankful for the NA, SLAA, SAA, and AA fellowships that I attend.
I am thankful for the peer phone calls that I get from friends still in treatment.
I am thankful for the welcome my dog gives me when he sees me.
I am thankful for the people on Intherooms.com
I am thankful for my employer not firing me when I took all of the time off to get treatment.
I am thankful for the thoughts and prayers that other addicts have had for me.
I am thankful for the staff that have encouraged me to go into the addiction field as a counselor.
I am thankful for god and another day sober.
There is so much more I wish to write tonight. Please feel free to leave me comments about my blog. Even if you are not an addict, your feedback is valuable to me.
Wishing you all love and peace tonight and tomorrow.
ScottinRecovery
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Getting help on the outside.
In residential treatment getting help is easy. It is all around you and comes in all different forms. You have your therapists and psychiatrists milling about ready to help you and proactively engaging you. You have your peers who won't let you isolate. Basically, you would have to work to not get help, and even then they would come find you.
On the outside recovery is a whole different animal. You are free to make your own choices and suffer the consequences. You have to seek out help. If you don't make meetings, no one is going to come looking for you. If you don't attend therapy, the therapist will just move on to the next patient. We need something in the outside world that was provided for us in treatment. We need accountability.
The first thing I did when I got out of treatment was to start a list of meetings I attended and I kept track of every one. At my first meeting I shared and closed my share with the fact that I didn't know anybody in the local fellowships yet and was in need of a sponsor. Sure enough I left that meeting with a sponsor who would keep me accountable for attending meetings and calling everyday. If my sponsor doesn't hear from me he calls me out for isolating. He asks when my therapy appointments are and calls me shortly before to make sure I am on my way to the appointment. I should point out that I have a sponsor in two different fellowships, which some may deem unnecessary. For me I am fighting both a substance addiction and a process addiction so I find this helpful. Honestly I think my NA meetings work for any addiction but since I am fortunate enough to have "S" meetings nearby, I attend those too. One thing I am sure about is that I can't have too much help.
The other thing I have to struggle with is keeping up on my development of a spiritual connection. I had time put aside for prayer and meditation in treatment but now I have distractions like the work, the internet and television. Keeping a balanced recovery is an active process. It won't just happen. If you are fresh out of recovery make a schedule for important recovery tasks and when you plan to do them. This is an essential tool to keep you working toward recovery. Like we say in the meetings "it works if you work it."
On the outside recovery is a whole different animal. You are free to make your own choices and suffer the consequences. You have to seek out help. If you don't make meetings, no one is going to come looking for you. If you don't attend therapy, the therapist will just move on to the next patient. We need something in the outside world that was provided for us in treatment. We need accountability.
The first thing I did when I got out of treatment was to start a list of meetings I attended and I kept track of every one. At my first meeting I shared and closed my share with the fact that I didn't know anybody in the local fellowships yet and was in need of a sponsor. Sure enough I left that meeting with a sponsor who would keep me accountable for attending meetings and calling everyday. If my sponsor doesn't hear from me he calls me out for isolating. He asks when my therapy appointments are and calls me shortly before to make sure I am on my way to the appointment. I should point out that I have a sponsor in two different fellowships, which some may deem unnecessary. For me I am fighting both a substance addiction and a process addiction so I find this helpful. Honestly I think my NA meetings work for any addiction but since I am fortunate enough to have "S" meetings nearby, I attend those too. One thing I am sure about is that I can't have too much help.
The other thing I have to struggle with is keeping up on my development of a spiritual connection. I had time put aside for prayer and meditation in treatment but now I have distractions like the work, the internet and television. Keeping a balanced recovery is an active process. It won't just happen. If you are fresh out of recovery make a schedule for important recovery tasks and when you plan to do them. This is an essential tool to keep you working toward recovery. Like we say in the meetings "it works if you work it."
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
The Cost of Clarity
One of the scariest things for addicts to face is the costs of our addictions. I'm not speaking of the cost of our drug of choice, legal fees, or treatment costs. What I am speaking of is what things in our lives our addictions cost us. Even having been an addict in the past I had no idea that the problem I was going through was an addition. When you are an addict, the addiction owns you. It will only allow you to see what it wants you to. You will start believing things that are not true, we call such things sincere delusions. Only now in recovery can I begin to see the real costs of my addiction.
With two days until Thanksgiving the major cost of losing my family is very clear. As a result of my actions in active addiction, my wife and I are in the beginning of a therapeutic separation. For the next 12 months we have to see if we can save our marriage. I have no family other than her relatives and I have lost them due to my behavior. Step One speaks about powerlessness and unmanageability, this is a good example. Even though I knew what could happen if I ever got found out, I did it anyway. Now I have to embrace the powerlessness of my situation. There is nothing I can say or do to make people think of me as the upstanding man I used to be. They will see me as they choose to see me. All I can do is work my program and do the next right thing. I also need to be on the lookout for the first thought wrong, as that almost always leads nowhere good.
I am living out of a cheap hotel and greatly miss the house I own. I could have told my wife that I would not leave the house but it was my behavior, not hers, that strained the marriage. I don't have any of the comforts of home. I don't have a kitchen in which to prepare meals, a comfortable place to relax and watch tv, or my pets to keep me company. Most of all, I miss my wife. She didn't ask to be put through any of this. She didn't ask to develop PTSD as a result of my addiction being discovered. She didn't ask for the man who promised to protect her always and forsake all others to lie to her for years. What was the cost of my addiction on her? I could listen to her speak about the impact of my actions from here until the end of time and I wouldn't have a full understanding of what this disease has put her through.
So what have I gotten in exchange for paying such a high cost? I have gotten clarity. I have such a better understanding of myself and how my actions impact others. I have a profound sense of gratitude for the people I come across in my everyday life. I have an appreciation for things I used to not notice. Am I ok with what these precious things have cost me? Absolutely not! I still want my old life back. Not my life of active addiction but rather the life I lived back when I met my wife and during the first several years of our marriage. The life when I lived with a sense of integrity. The good life I always deserved and finally got, only to screw it up.
November 26 2013
With two days until Thanksgiving the major cost of losing my family is very clear. As a result of my actions in active addiction, my wife and I are in the beginning of a therapeutic separation. For the next 12 months we have to see if we can save our marriage. I have no family other than her relatives and I have lost them due to my behavior. Step One speaks about powerlessness and unmanageability, this is a good example. Even though I knew what could happen if I ever got found out, I did it anyway. Now I have to embrace the powerlessness of my situation. There is nothing I can say or do to make people think of me as the upstanding man I used to be. They will see me as they choose to see me. All I can do is work my program and do the next right thing. I also need to be on the lookout for the first thought wrong, as that almost always leads nowhere good.
I am living out of a cheap hotel and greatly miss the house I own. I could have told my wife that I would not leave the house but it was my behavior, not hers, that strained the marriage. I don't have any of the comforts of home. I don't have a kitchen in which to prepare meals, a comfortable place to relax and watch tv, or my pets to keep me company. Most of all, I miss my wife. She didn't ask to be put through any of this. She didn't ask to develop PTSD as a result of my addiction being discovered. She didn't ask for the man who promised to protect her always and forsake all others to lie to her for years. What was the cost of my addiction on her? I could listen to her speak about the impact of my actions from here until the end of time and I wouldn't have a full understanding of what this disease has put her through.
So what have I gotten in exchange for paying such a high cost? I have gotten clarity. I have such a better understanding of myself and how my actions impact others. I have a profound sense of gratitude for the people I come across in my everyday life. I have an appreciation for things I used to not notice. Am I ok with what these precious things have cost me? Absolutely not! I still want my old life back. Not my life of active addiction but rather the life I lived back when I met my wife and during the first several years of our marriage. The life when I lived with a sense of integrity. The good life I always deserved and finally got, only to screw it up.
November 26 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
The beast in me and other addicts
Hi, my name is Scott and I'm and addict. That is something I say at least once a day in every 12 step meeting I attend. For folks not in recovery the 12 step programs can be hard to understand. People who have had a loved on go into recovery can sometimes be resentful of 12 step programs for the amount of time the demand from the recovering persons life. Some people refuse to see addiction as a disease and just think that 12 step meetings are groups that excuse bad behavior as addictions.
There are three things I know. I am an addict, addiction is a disease that affects the midbrain and 12 step programs have been saving my life for the last 8 weeks. I know, many of you I probably lost when I said addiction is a disease. You are probably thinking that diabetes or cancer are diseases but addictions are just bad behaviors. Well we know know that addicts have distinct similarities in the structures of their brains that are different than those found in non-addicted individuals. We also know that behaviors can be addictions. In recent years when a celebrity lands in the news for sex addiction many people are quick to judge that it can't be an addiction and that they are just using it as smoke to cover bad behavior. Brain scans of alcoholics, drug addicts, and sex addicts all show the same thing. When they think about using their drug of choice or acting out, the same exact areas of the brain are activated. Addictions to sex, work, codependency, and eating disorders all fall under the title of process addictions. Addictions to drugs and alcohol fall under the category of substance addictions. Regardless of whether they are process or substance they all work much the same way.
So what kind of addict am I? I am an alcoholic, a drug addict, a work addict, a codependent, and a sex addict. Seems like a lot right? Well it is. Regardless of what anyone may think, I never asked for any of it. Where does addiction start? Many now have come to believe that we can be genetically predisposed to addiction. Many also agree that the environment in which we are raised can play a huge role as to whether or not someone goes on to develop an addiction. There is also plenty of evidence that supports the idea that certain phases of our development can be affected in a way that contributes to the development of addiction later in life. When you take all of those factors into account, my history was the perfect storm for an addiction to develop.
Am I just making excuses for my behavior and decisions I have made? Absolutely not! I am a person with the disease of addiction. I will have this disease for the rest of my life, but I will not hide behind it. I hold myself accountable for everything I have done in my addiction. I also hold myself accountable for these 56 days clean and sober and behavior free that I have currently built up, one day at a time.
I am going to try and update this blog everyday. Stop back in and continue reading my story. Hopefully it may provide you some insight about yourself, a loved one, or just the world of addiction.
Thanks,
Scott
11/25/2013
There are three things I know. I am an addict, addiction is a disease that affects the midbrain and 12 step programs have been saving my life for the last 8 weeks. I know, many of you I probably lost when I said addiction is a disease. You are probably thinking that diabetes or cancer are diseases but addictions are just bad behaviors. Well we know know that addicts have distinct similarities in the structures of their brains that are different than those found in non-addicted individuals. We also know that behaviors can be addictions. In recent years when a celebrity lands in the news for sex addiction many people are quick to judge that it can't be an addiction and that they are just using it as smoke to cover bad behavior. Brain scans of alcoholics, drug addicts, and sex addicts all show the same thing. When they think about using their drug of choice or acting out, the same exact areas of the brain are activated. Addictions to sex, work, codependency, and eating disorders all fall under the title of process addictions. Addictions to drugs and alcohol fall under the category of substance addictions. Regardless of whether they are process or substance they all work much the same way.
So what kind of addict am I? I am an alcoholic, a drug addict, a work addict, a codependent, and a sex addict. Seems like a lot right? Well it is. Regardless of what anyone may think, I never asked for any of it. Where does addiction start? Many now have come to believe that we can be genetically predisposed to addiction. Many also agree that the environment in which we are raised can play a huge role as to whether or not someone goes on to develop an addiction. There is also plenty of evidence that supports the idea that certain phases of our development can be affected in a way that contributes to the development of addiction later in life. When you take all of those factors into account, my history was the perfect storm for an addiction to develop.
Am I just making excuses for my behavior and decisions I have made? Absolutely not! I am a person with the disease of addiction. I will have this disease for the rest of my life, but I will not hide behind it. I hold myself accountable for everything I have done in my addiction. I also hold myself accountable for these 56 days clean and sober and behavior free that I have currently built up, one day at a time.
I am going to try and update this blog everyday. Stop back in and continue reading my story. Hopefully it may provide you some insight about yourself, a loved one, or just the world of addiction.
Thanks,
Scott
11/25/2013
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