One Day at a Time

     Patience.  Patience is not this addicts strongpoint.  In 12-step literature it clearly states that we did not become addicts in one day so don't expect recovery to be a fast process either.  Wise words but not easy ones for me to accept.  I hate what my addiction has done to me, my wife, and our family.  I want it to go away, but addiction doesn't do that.  For the rest of my life I will have to deal with addiction.  I need to be aware of my thoughts and actions everyday.  I can't let myself get comfortable and fall back into old habits or entertain old ideas.
     We are promised that if we are painstaking about our recovery we will be amazed before we are half way through.  That is such a true statement.  I am repeatedly amazed with how much I have learned about myself and how far I have come in such a short amount of  time in recovery but I have to remember that the recovery that my wife is going through is happening at an entirely different pace.  My wife isn't an addict, she needs recovery due to my addictions.  I want things to be better and I want them to be better now.  On the addict timeline there is only one time, now.  Life on life's terms does not work that way.  I am stuck living in an apartment away from my wife, pets, and comforts of home for at least the next 6 months.  The thought of living alone is maddening but intellectually I understand my wife's need to not be around me right now.  Emotionally I feel as if I am being punished.  I feel like I am being made to jump through hoops because of my actions in addiction.  The reality may lie somewhere in between what I know to be true and what I feel to be true.
     All in all I am very grateful though.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to live in an apartment that is very sparsely furnished but it is warm and safe.  I have been able to spend two separate days working at my house cleaning out the garage which my wife has been wanting me to do.  I have gotten to see my dog and my cats.  We have had two nice snowfalls with another on its way tomorrow.  Maybe I will be allowed to plow my driveway tomorrow night after work.  Life on life's terms.  It doesn't always need to be bad.